Meeting of the Minds: How Do We Tell The Emperor He's Not Wearing Any Clothes?

Georgia Garvey
Fri, 23 Jan 2026 23:00:00 -0800
Opinion

MIKE: I hereby call to order the first annual meeting of the tripartite national commission to discuss with the emperor his recent garment shortage.

As you all know, of late, the emperor has been a bit, let's say, confused and has on one or two occasions, only, but still, he's appeared to have ventured out of doors ... inappropriately attired for the weather.

MARCO: He's been naked, you mean.
Updated: Sat Jan 24, 2026

MIKE: I hereby call to order the first annual meeting of the tripartite national commission to discuss with the emperor his recent garment shortage.

As you all know, of late, the emperor has been a bit, let's say, confused and has on one or two occasions, only, but still, he's appeared to have ventured out of doors ... inappropriately attired for the weather.

MARCO: He's been naked, you mean.

KAROLINE: Marco, please. Let's not repeat the fake news being spread by disgusting domestic terrorists who are relying on the biased testimony of their liberal eyes. I have seen the emperor every day of the past year and he's never been naked, not once. I agree, he wears a flesh-colored suit, very chic, very hip, one given to him by his wife, the empress, that has been tailored to fit him like a second skin by the very best designers. But nude? Never. Nudity is for trans people who want a new driver's license and illegal immigrants in detention centers, not for men of his caliber. Why, I bet he hasn't been naked in years.

MIKE: Yes, Karoline, thank you for the reminder. The emperor is not, of course, nude, but only wears clothes that some people cannot see because they're either ignorant of the latest fashions or brainwashed by communist propaganda so that they can no longer appreciate his sartorial magnificence.

JAMES: Come on now, Mike. Let's be honest with each other. It's safe to say that the emperor is getting a reputation — maybe unwarranted, I'll grant you that, but a reputation nevertheless — for wearing no clothes. Grumble all you want, Kristi, but it's true. People are saying it everywhere. They're worried. Important people are worried, and the stock market is starting to sit up and take notice, too. Whether he's actually naked or not isn't really the issue, is it? The question remains: What are we going to do about it?

MARCO: What can we do about it? I mean, it's not like there are no mirrors in the palace.

MIKE: More mirrors in the palace. Great idea, Marco.

MARCO: No, I said it's — oh, never mind.

MIKE: As I was saying, it's good, but it's not good enough. Maybe we can all clear our throats meaningfully every time he passes a reflective surface? Here, try it, James. Eyeliner or no, you have some gravitas.

JAMES: OK. Here I go. 'Ahem. Look, sir, a mirror!' And then maybe I'll kind of wave vaguely in the general direction of his crotch.

MIKE: Crotch-waving. Perfect. Any more ideas?

STEPHEN: I still say he's wearing clothes.

KAROLINE: Of course he's wearing clothes, Stephen. But what should we do?

STEPHEN: We could arrest everyone who says the emperor is naked. Even children. Heck, especially children. You know how they are. Always asking you why you don't have any hair and look like Nosferatu while you're minding your own business in the check-out line at the grocery store, just trying to buy some raw kidneys.

MIKE: (Writing in notepad) Arrest. Everyone. Yes! Another top-notch plan.

KAROLINE: I also think it's about time that some of these foreign kings start speaking up about how they love the emperor's clothes so much that they're going to commission the designers to make them their very own special skin suits. Why are they letting the emperor take all the heat for the flesh-colored fabric craze? They need to do their share.

MIKE: Agreed.

PETE: I can try to get him to do some jumping jacks with me. Maybe the jostling will draw his attention down there. And he could definitely use the exercise.

MIKE: Not sure how much luck you're going to have with calisthenics, Pete, but it's certainly worth a try. We almost had to use the fire extinguishers on him after he walked too close to one of the candles at a state dinner.

JAMES: Er, yes, that was awkward. What about we try to convince him that the Nobel Peace Prize committee loves to award guys wearing thick wool suits? You know, because they're Norwegian and stuff.

KAROLINE: Ooo, I like that.

MIKE: I dunno. I mean, he's basically been pretending like he never wanted one in the first place lately. Honestly, maybe he'll just forget that he likes to be naked. He's got the attention span of a tsetse fly. He could wake up tomorrow and put clothes on before he even remembers that he's supposed to be undressed.

MARCO: Listen, I don't mean to be out of line here, but this really is getting out of hand. Why doesn't one of us just tell the emperor he's not wearing any clothes?

(ALL LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY.)

MIKE: Good one, little buddy. After the week we've all had, we needed that.