Mr. Trump Goes to the Grocery Store

Georgia Garvey
Fri, 12 Dec 2025 23:00:00 -0800
Opinion

CCTV captured this (completely fake) conversation between President Donald Trump and a grocery store clerk yesterday.

CLERK: That'll be $286.47, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Did you swipe my customer rewards card? I thought the Twinkies were half off.
Updated: Sat Dec 13, 2025

CCTV captured this (completely fake) conversation between President Donald Trump and a grocery store clerk yesterday.

CLERK: That'll be $286.47, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Did you swipe my customer rewards card? I thought the Twinkies were half off.

CLERK: Yes, I did, but we're doing this new thing where you have to download our app, log in, create a profile, find the item, scan the bar code and select "clip coupon" to get the discount.

TRUMP: Well, that sounds annoying and difficult.

CLERK: I'm pretty sure that's the point.

TRUMP: Eh, all right, I just did it. Did it go through?

CLERK: Hm ... yep! Just did. Your new total is $286.27.

TRUMP: I'm not certain that was worth the investment.

CLERK: Yeah, the laundry detergent was buy 15, get one free, but none of the rest of the stuff was on sale.

TRUMP: This is ridiculous. Haven't you people heard how great the stock market is doing? The S&P is on a rocket ride! The Dow Jones had a record-high close.

CLERK: Most middle-class Americans only have about 10% to 20% of their net worth invested in the stock market, and lower-income folks come in at about 1%, if they're even in the stock market at all. Less than a third of them are, you know. Stock market performance isn't something that moves the needle with most regular people.

TRUMP: Don't give me that malarkey. I just made the Fed cut interest rates. Why don't poor people issue bonds at lower rates, allowing them to spend less money on servicing their debts?

CLERK: Sir, this is a Schwegmann's.

TRUMP: The unemployment rate is 4.4%, for Pete Hegseth's sake. Everyone who wants a job can get one.

CLERK: That's partially true. To clarify, fewer people are getting laid off; however, hiring is also stagnant. Almost 40% of Americans are gig workers or freelancers and have little to no benefits, guaranteed paid time off or job security. And anyway, the federal minimum wage has been $7.25 since 2009, which comes out to $15,080 a year if you're working 40 hours a week.

TRUMP: That's my Diet Coke budget for the month.

CLERK: Right. And the minimum wage is even lower if you're a tipped worker, younger than 20 or have a disability. Housing is a mess, with median home prices in the $400,000 range and rates over 6%. Availability is low because no one wants to sell when they can't afford to buy another house, and rents are — if you'll pardon the pun — through the roof. The real catastrophe is the cost of living, which is what you're noticing right now. Groceries are expensive, right?

TRUMP: They are not. After I (allegedly) pressured them, Walmart agreed to lower the cost of its Thanksgiving meals.

CLERK: But there was less stuff in the meal. It's like what we're doing with pre-packaged items at the grocery store, where manufacturers are decreasing the amount of product in the packaging and charging the same amount. It's a tactic to obscure price increases.

TRUMP: Wrong! Everything is better now that we're on the other side of the Biden sandwich.

CLERK: Speaking of sandwiches, even though wheat itself is cheaper, bread is at a historically high price and continues to increase. Isn't that odd? Meat, fish, eggs and poultry are up 5.2% since only September. And don't even get me started on health care.

TRUMP: Well, I have just strongly hinted that I'm going to change the drug classification of marijuana, so at least you'll be able to smoke a joint in public.

CLERK: You really think it's a good idea to give people the munchies right about now?

TRUMP: I've had enough of this. What's the total again?

CLERK: It's $286.27.

TRUMP: Go ahead and take it out of my Bitcoin account. The Saudi prince set one up for me, special when I tore into that nasty lady who had the gall to ask about him having a journalist murdered.

CLERK: We don't accept cryptocurrency, which is volatile and unregulated, and mostly helpful for money launderers, human traffickers and other criminals. And here are your Trump commemorative coins back. We don't take those, either.

TRUMP: You don't happen to work for ABC News, do you?

CLERK: No, sir. I'm an economist. I used to work at the Department of Labor — before you fired me.