Too Much Time in the Cabbage Patch, Kid

Jessica Burtch
Thu, 19 Sep 2013 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

I'm pretty sure you've never seen a question like this, and it's a first for me, too, but here goes. I'm friends with a married couple, and they have a kid who is super-flatulent. Did I spell that right?

This 10-year-old passes gas nonstop — and not always noisily, but you can smell it. With the windows in their small apartment closed, the gas fills up the room. I don't know how they can live that way. Maybe they get used to the smell? Well, I don't. It's nauseating, and I have trouble keeping my dinner down with the stink. If I have to decline an invitation to their home, what do I say? I don't want to hurt their feelings. — Gas Attack

Lactose intolerance? Celiac disease? Too much milk, Coke, cabbage or cruciferous veggies? I'm no doctor, GA, and I presume you aren't, either, which is too bad, because if they haven't already, the parents of this kid need to get him to a pediatrician. He's intolerant of something, and it's making their home intolerable to anyone with a sense of smell.
Updated: Thu Sep 19, 2013

I'm pretty sure you've never seen a question like this, and it's a first for me, too, but here goes. I'm friends with a married couple, and they have a kid who is super-flatulent. Did I spell that right?

This 10-year-old passes gas nonstop — and not always noisily, but you can smell it. With the windows in their small apartment closed, the gas fills up the room. I don't know how they can live that way. Maybe they get used to the smell? Well, I don't. It's nauseating, and I have trouble keeping my dinner down with the stink. If I have to decline an invitation to their home, what do I say? I don't want to hurt their feelings. — Gas Attack

Lactose intolerance? Celiac disease? Too much milk, Coke, cabbage or cruciferous veggies? I'm no doctor, GA, and I presume you aren't, either, which is too bad, because if they haven't already, the parents of this kid need to get him to a pediatrician. He's intolerant of something, and it's making their home intolerable to anyone with a sense of smell.

But that's a conversation for the parents and the kid and the pediatrician. His medical information is none of your business, and so there really is no way for you to address this without stepping on toes.

Aim for politely evasive. Next time you receive an invitation to dine with them in their home, thank them and say you have other plans. And the next time? Same thing. With any luck, they'll eventually move to a bigger apartment, discover windows and put their kid on a gluten-free, lactose-free, medium-fiber diet.

In the meantime, in order to preserve the friendship outside of their home, invite them to your place for a childfree dinner and drinks. Rendezvous at a restaurant with patio seating. Plan a kid-friendly picnic in the park on a beautiful breezy day.

If the smell is as bad as you say, there's no way they're totally clueless. They'll get what you're up to, and chances are they, too, will opt for polite evasion.

Totally Unsolicited

I'm going to miss Anthony Weiner — until he makes his bid for the presidency, anyway. His passion. His pecs. His middle finger.

Last week, Weiner suffered a crushing defeat in his run for New York City mayor, losing 95 percent of the vote to some other candidate — from the looks of it, any other candidate.

At the start of the race, it was reported that Weiner was leading the pack with New York voters. I always suspected that was a typo and that Weiner was, in actuality, hitting the sack with New York voters. Regardless, after a second round of sexting, lies and videotape, Weiner plunged in the polls and never recovered. He conceded defeat, turned on his heel and, in a style all his own, flipped the bird.

That's right.

The word is not policy. The word is not grace. The word is not democracy. The bird is the word. The bird, bird, bird.

Follow Jessica on Twitter @sicaleigh, and ask her just about anything at askquestionable@gmail.com. To find out more about Jessica Leigh and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers, visit creators.com.